Ellen and Adam both seemed friendly and kind as they sat down in my office.
Ellen put up a happy exterior by smiling a lot, though I could tell as she talked that she wasn’t happy at all.

And when Adam sat down, he placed the couch pillows over his lap and under his arms and leaned back. His body language reflected which seemed to show he was there but emotionally withdrawn.



DESCRIPTION OF COUPLE
Ellen (41) and Adam (39) have been together for 13 years and have one child together. They have each been married previously and had one child each from those marriages.

Ellen is a teacher and Adam is a principal. They are both very pleasant to be around and it was obvious right away how committed they were to their jobs and their children.



DESCRIPTION OF COUNSELOR
Stephan Gombis, BA, MSMFT, LCPC
Sprout Hope Now

Stephan specializes in individual, couples and family therapy. Stephan is an interactive, solution-focused therapist. His therapeutic approach is to provide support and practical feedback to help clients effectively address personal life challenges. He integrates complementary methodologies and techniques to offer a highly personalized approach, tailored to each client. With compassion and understanding, he works with each individual and couple to help them build on their strengths and attain the personal growth they are committed to accomplishing.



FIRST MEETING IMPRESSIONS
When Ellen and Adam came in for counseling they both appeared friendly and upbeat. But as they started talking about their challenges it became obvious that Adam was unwilling to share much of his inner world with Ellen because he feared her uncontrollable anger.

And Ellen seemed less committed to Adam than Adam was to her because Adam’s “Silence” on many issues made Ellen feel a sense of abandonment.

GETTING STARTED
After getting a history of the challenges they shared with me, I decided to give them the experience of sharing while their partner created a safe space for them.

Understanding why Ellen had this uncontrollable anger was the first issue we explored together. I gave Ellen a list of about 50 emotions on a sheet of paper and asked her to list each one she felt when she experienced Adam’s silence. Ellen listed about 17 emotions chief of which was abandonment. When I inquired why abandonment was so significant to her, she summed up her childhood experience as, “I was the oldest of five children. I had to take care of everyone else, but my parents never took care of me. They never attended my games or activities. I felt like they were never there for me, but I had to be there for all my siblings.”



A LIFE-CHANGING BREAKTHROUGH
When Adam heard this for the first time he suddenly realized how his choosing silence for feel of being yelled at was making his wife feel abandoned and was fueling her anger.

He realized that her anger wasn’t happening because she was “an angry person” as he thought before. But because she felt he was abandoning her when he didn’t share his inner world with her.

MOVING FORWARD
That realization was the first step. Ellen still needed to improve how she conveyed her frustrations. Her uncontrollable anger wasn’t helping. And Adam realized that in order to share his inner world with Ellen he needed to process in individual counseling what all was going on in his life.

In individual counseling he shared responsibilities he was shouldering for his Ex-wife, brother and father. And how much this all weighed on him. He got used to sharing very little of this with Ellen because he didn’t want to burden her or add more burden on himself when she reacted poorly.