Jen doesn’t feel like they are connecting.
All their fights seem to be destructive. It’s like they are both alphas fighting to be in control.

Chris feels stepped on and taken for granted.
He feels like Jen’s servant. Chris appears fiercely independent and hates feeling controlled.



DESCRIPTION OF COUPLE
Jen and Chris are in there mid-thirties and have been married for five years. Jen is the top producer for her company that provides personal development and training for companies and individuals. Chris is a salesman in the technology industry and is also very successful. They have a big home in the suburbs; they travel a lot on the weekends and have very few hobbies their finances can’t support.



DESCRIPTION OF COUNSELOR
Stephan Gombis, BA, MSMFT, LCPC
Sprout Hope Now

Stephan specializes in individual, couples and family therapy. Stephan is an interactive, solution-focused therapist. His therapeutic approach is to provide support and practical feedback to help clients effectively address personal life challenges. He integrates complementary methodologies and techniques to offer a highly personalized approach, tailored to each client. With compassion and understanding, he works with each individual and couple to help them build on their strengths and attain the personal growth they are committed to accomplishing.



FIRST MEETING IMPRESSIONS
My first impression of this couple was how much fun they could have in their life together, if they could pause a little longer to accept their partner’s feedback. Because they were talking over each other, each comment felt like an attack. I know early on that I needed to slow down their conversations.

GETTING STARTED
After getting a history of the challenges they shared with me, I decided to give them the experience of sharing while their partner created a safe space for them.

I said I was going to give each of them 10 minutes to share their perspective on what was going on. But asked them to avoid blame and simply talk like a reporter. This is important to help the listener listen without feeling judged. Then I gave the listener 10 process-oriented questions (like, have you ever felt this way before? Or what’s your biggest fear in not having this dream realized?), they could ask their partner when it made sense to them or when their partner was having trouble finding the words.

It wasn’t easy. Often Jen heard Chris say something she disagreed with and then tried to jump in and correct it. I had to pause her saying, “Your feelings are important, and you will get your chance to share them, but right now your husband needs you to maintain this safe space so he doesn’t shutdown. Can you keep going?”

Though it was difficult, Jen was great! She made her husband feel safe and he shared with her things she hadn’t heard before. And it gave her a more complete picture of what was happening in their relationship.



A LIFE-CHANGING BREAKTHROUGH
The biggest breakthrough for this couple came when Jen realized that her husband suffers from symptoms of depression. And those feelings are increased when he tries to share and she thinks he wants her to fix. Jen’s “fixing” makes Chris feel like he is all alone.

When Jen got this realization she grabbed his hand and started to cry. She apologized for making him feel that way, explaining she just didn’t like seeing him that sad and wanted to help.

MOVING FORWARD
After that session, I recognized that they were both feeling unappreciated and needed to increase their emotional bank accounts that had been depleted. So I asked them to acknowledge their partner for three acts of generosity every day until we met again. Acknowledging what you like signals to your partner to do more of that thing. It creates a positive feedback loop.