Sandy felt lonely, devalued, angry, abandoned, unimportant.
Frank felt misunderstood, unappreciated, and unsupported.



DESCRIPTION OF COUPLE
Sandy (39) and Frank (40) have been together for 11 years. They are a blended family with three children: Lucy (19) from Sandy’s previous marriage, Kelly (15) from Frank’s previous marriage, and Alice (7) who they had together. Both Sandy and Frank are leaders, educators and are very involved in their school communities.



DESCRIPTION OF COUNSELOR
Stephan Gombis, BA, MSMFT, LCPC
Sprout Hope Now

Stephan specializes in individual, couples and family therapy. Stephan is an interactive, solution-focused therapist. His therapeutic approach is to provide support and practical feedback to help clients effectively address personal life challenges. He integrates complementary methodologies and techniques to offer a highly personalized approach, tailored to each client. With compassion and understanding, he works with each individual and couple to help them build on their strengths and attain the personal growth they are committed to accomplishing.



FIRST MEETING IMPRESSIONS
When Sandy and Frank first came in to my office I noticed their warmth toward me, but felt their hostility toward each other. They were seated on opposite ends of the coach and leaning away from each other. When I asked them to share what prompted them to come in for counseling, Sandy jumped in and said:

“He doesn’t make time for me. I never feel like a priority. I’m placed on the back burner.“

And after listening a bit, Frank jumped in saying, “I never stop. I’m up early getting the kids ready for school and driving them to school on the west side. Then I have to drive all the way back down to the south side to get to my job. I have the after school program and then I have to get the kids to their dance lessons.

You don’t appreciate what all I do. I just want one day for me. One day to play softball and for you to come out and support me.“

I recognized right away that Sandy and Frank were good people with big hearts. The problem was they were stretched too thin. They were saying “Yes“ to everyone else, which left them depleted at home. And their relationship was suffering because of it. They were not working together either. Sandy wanted more quality time and Frank wanted appreciation. When one brought up one complaint the other brought up another. They were missing each other.

GETTING STARTED
The first intervention I worked with them on was resolving some unresolved conflicts from their past that led Sandy to believe she wasn’t a priority and Frank wasn’t appreciated. The goal was to minimize judgment by helping them emotionally get in each other’s shoes and create a safe space for them to share.

They each picked one incident from their past that hadn’t been resolved. I then asked them to share what feelings they felt during that situation and explain from their own point of view what happened. Each time one of them talked, the other was asked to summarize what they heard and validate at least some part of what was said. Though that wasn’t always easy, as some words felt like knives. But I helped them through the process.



A LIFE-CHANGING BREAKTHROUGH
When I asked afterwards what this experience was like, Sandy grabbed Frank’s hand and said, “I get it now. He’s depleted and he counts on me for support.“

Then I turned to Frank and asked him what his biggest takeaway was. He responded, “I need to say “No“ more often or my wife will feel left out. I don’t want her to ever feel left out.“

Finally! He heard me. She listened and I feel understood.

MOVING FORWARD
At the end of the first session Sandy and Frank were sitting closer to each other on the couch. Frank had his arm around her and they were holding hands. Because I saw that they were in a good place, I asked them to each find one responsibility they were willing to give up for a season so they could have more time to invest in each other.

While a major breakthrough happened in our first session together, there is still work to do to keep the momentum going. A few sessions later, we are working to make improvements but now Sandy and Frank have identified their past wounds. They are now mindful of the needs of each other to feel validated, important and supported.