Lilly sat on the coach and Joe in the chair across the room.
Lilly anxiously had her elbows between her knees and her hands clenched as she leaned forward. Joe had has leg crossed and was sitting back like he was waiting to see what would happen.



DESCRIPTION OF COUPLE
Lilly (48) was a former lawyer who gave up her career to take raise their two daughters (23) and (16). Now she works part time behind the counter at a department store and volunteers at a local hospital. Joe (52) is a business executive and is well established in his field. Both Lilly and Joe are very loving people, but seemed to clash on almost every issue from parenting to money, to how to handle their in-laws.



DESCRIPTION OF COUNSELOR
Stephan Gombis, BA, MSMFT, LCPC
Sprout Hope Now

Stephan specializes in individual, couples and family therapy. Stephan is an interactive, solution-focused therapist. His therapeutic approach is to provide support and practical feedback to help clients effectively address personal life challenges. He integrates complementary methodologies and techniques to offer a highly personalized approach, tailored to each client. With compassion and understanding, he works with each individual and couple to help them build on their strengths and attain the personal growth they are committed to accomplishing.



FIRST MEETING IMPRESSIONS
Lilly started by firing off several “How could you’s”, indicating contempt, unforgiveness and judgment toward her husband. Joe would respond in disagreement, but didn’t respond with the same energy. Often he’d respond with, “well, she’s going to do what she’s going to do”. This indicated to me the powerlessness and lack of influence he felt.

The interesting thing was how at they same time they felt powerless to influence the other and believed they could never do what their partner was doing, while at the same time hearing stories indicating they were.

GETTING STARTED
Lilly and Joe had a lot of unresolved conflict that had built up over the 23 years they had been married. We weren’t going to be able to resolve it all in one session, but I wanted to give them a sense of hope that they could work together to resolve much of their tensions, and learn to manage the rest.

The first thing I did was asked them to pick one issues they felt was unresolved and to share without blaming their partner and without interruption from their partner how they experienced what had happened. I also asked them to share what outside stressors were going on with them at the time. Often couples in crisis narrow their perceptions and as a result, fail to see what else has happened around an argument.

The same was true for Lilly and Joe.



A LIFE-CHANGING BREAKTHROUGH
As Lilly shared, Joe started to realize that his decision on a few occasions to side with his mother against his wife left Lilly feeling like she needed to protect herself from Joe.

And as Joe shared, Lilly saw how her decision to enter into an emotional relationship with another man influenced Joe’s believe that she does what she wants to do regardless of how it impacts Joe.

MOVING FORWARD
After our first session I knew Lilly and Joe were going to have to question a lot of the stories they told about each other. Their stories were holding each other hostage, even when their efforts put those stories into question.

Knowing this, I gave this couple several assignments to improve their willingness to be influenced and to have softer starts when bringing up a difficult conversation.