Andy showed a hard exterior.
He was emotionally withdrawn when he walked into the room.

Claire did most of the talking and it was fast.
She was very about whether her marriage would make it. Though her words for Andy were often piercing, she seemed only moments from breaking down into tears.



DESCRIPTION OF COUPLE
Andy (46) immigrated to the United States from England when he was 45. He was married once before but it didn’t work out. He and Claire (44) got married two years ago and have no children. Andy owned a few restaurants and Claire had a job working in IT.



DESCRIPTION OF COUNSELOR
Stephan Gombis, BA, MSMFT, LCPC
Sprout Hope Now

Stephan specializes in individual, couples and family therapy. Stephan is an interactive, solution-focused therapist. His therapeutic approach is to provide support and practical feedback to help clients effectively address personal life challenges. He integrates complementary methodologies and techniques to offer a highly personalized approach, tailored to each client. With compassion and understanding, he works with each individual and couple to help them build on their strengths and attain the personal growth they are committed to accomplishing.



FIRST MEETING IMPRESSIONS
When Andy and Claire walked into my office Andy sat with his arms around the rim of the couch and leaning back as if to keep his distance from the conversation about to take place. Claire sat forward and take the place on the couch closest to me. Their body language made it seem like counseling was more Claire’s solution than Andy’s.

As they shared why they were coming into counseling, it became obvious that Andy was protecting himself by emotionally withdrawing from Claire and Claire was attacking Andy verbally because she felt lonely and isolated. It was a vicious cycle.

Claire wanted Andy to be around more and make the marriage a higher priority. Andy wanted to Claire to rejoin him in building their little restaurant empire together. And to be better about letting him share without judging or fixing him.

GETTING STARTED
Nobody likes feeling isolated, but for Claire this was particularly painful. I thought it would be important for Andy to understand why emotionally distancing-though it made sense from his perspective-was not what was best for their relationship.

I asked both Andy and Claire to do their best to share-without attacking or blaming-what they were fighting for and if they had a dream behind their position. Then (though I knew their feelings mattered), I asked that when they were the listener, they would withhold judgment and suspend sharing any negative feelings that may come up.



A LIFE-CHANGING BREAKTHROUGH
Though Andy was in the habit of emotionally withdrawing when Claire would share her feelings, this time he got it. He was changed when he heard with new ears Claire sharing how isolated she felt. That she waited a long time to get married and have someone to come home to. But their marriage made her feel more isolated.

And when it was Claire’s turn to listen, she was able to see the predicament Andy was in and how he felt stuck between trying to fix his marriage and keep the restaurants afloat. She also heard for the first time how her going into “Fix it“ mode when Andy tries to share triggers him back to when his father dismissed him emotionally as a child.

With tears in their eyes, they both apologized for the parts they played and thanked each other for sharing things they never heard before.

MOVING FORWARD
Feeling alone is one of the worst feelings a person can have. And couples being in the same room doesn’t necessarily eliminate the feeling of loneliness. To help Andy and Claire feeling known and connected I asked them to commit to spending 6 hours a week together and focusing on the same task.

Making time for quality time is the first step in helping rid a marriage of loneliness. Without prioritizing the time, it’s impossible to improve listening skills, reduce misunderstandings, or feeling known.