Lisa was the energy of the couple while John was more reserved.
Lisa had a lot of energy and if she wanted to would easily have been able to overpower the conversation with her voice. She had a wonderful southern accent and a great sense of humor though it was often self-deprecating.

John was born in Eastern Europe...
Though he spoke English well and was a successful businessman, he was still subconscious about his English. This made him more reserved and hesitant to get into any verbal wars with Lisa.



DESCRIPTION OF COUPLE
Lisa (32) though never finishing college has had a great job for a major car insurance company for over a decade. She works out a lot (her and John started a running club together) and finds joy in at home dinners with John.

John (35) is a successful business owner who never went to college. He has been running his small business for over 15 years now and enjoys the casual environment he’s created around it.

At this time Lisa and John have no children.



DESCRIPTION OF COUNSELOR
Stephan Gombis, BA, MSMFT, LCPC
Sprout Hope Now

Stephan specializes in individual, couples and family therapy. Stephan is an interactive, solution-focused therapist. His therapeutic approach is to provide support and practical feedback to help clients effectively address personal life challenges. He integrates complementary methodologies and techniques to offer a highly personalized approach, tailored to each client. With compassion and understanding, he works with each individual and couple to help them build on their strengths and attain the personal growth they are committed to accomplishing.



FIRST MEETING IMPRESSIONS
When Lisa and John first came into my office I felt their tension. Lisa would tease John about the way he pronounced certain words and John exhibited a quiet resentment.

As we started to talk Lisa shared that their main issue was their inability to discuss certain issues without fighting. John responded with, “Lisa wants all my time and that’s not going to happen.”

It was obvious that Lisa felt insecure about John’s commitment to their relationship. And John was feeling pressured and controlled and he resented Lisa for it.

The first thing I noticed was that these two weren’t fighting against each other, they were fighting for two completely different things. Lisa wanted more engagement from John, showing he cared and wanted to be with her. And John wanted to feel understood and loved rather than criticized.

GETTING STARTED
To help this couple clear up the misunderstandings that were occurring I decided I needed to help them slow down an argument so they could see the mistakes they were making in misunderstanding their partner and not gloss over them.

I asked the couple to talk about their feelings on the topic of quality time. I had each partner take turns sharing from a list of emotions, what came up for him or her when thinking about the time they spent together. And the listener was instructed to simply create a ”safe space” for their partner by avoiding judgment or correcting.



A LIFE-CHANGING BREAKTHROUGH
For the first time Lisa heard that John felt not listened too, unloved, sad and criticized. Lisa could have imagined that John was hurting too as he exterior told a completely different story. One in which he didn’t care and didn’t need her.

And John heard how Lisa felt frustrated, misunderstood and tense about the future of their relationship. He started to realize that if he didn’t do his part to make her feel secure about his commitment, little would change.

MOVING FORWARD
To help this couple deepen there friendship I started by asking them to come up with a way of surprising each other with an act of kindness and some quality time. Adding quality time and planned acts of kindness rewires our brains to think more fondly of our partners and slowly places a couple under an umbrella of positivity.