Abby walked into the office with a sense of confidence.
She sat on the couch on the side closest to me. Peter sat on the other side of the room from his wife and though friendly to me, seemed to be in protective mode with his wife.



DESCRIPTION OF COUPLE
Abby (29) and Peter (31) had been married for 5 years but were high school sweethearts who had been together for a total of 14 years. They described their relationship before they were married as fun, light-hearted and exciting.



DESCRIPTION OF COUNSELOR
Stephan Gombis, BA, MSMFT, LCPC
Sprout Hope Now

Stephan specializes in individual, couples and family therapy. Stephan is an interactive, solution-focused therapist. His therapeutic approach is to provide support and practical feedback to help clients effectively address personal life challenges. He integrates complementary methodologies and techniques to offer a highly personalized approach, tailored to each client. With compassion and understanding, he works with each individual and couple to help them build on their strengths and attain the personal growth they are committed to accomplishing.



FIRST MEETING IMPRESSIONS
When I asked them why they thought their relationship had turned once they got married Abby said, “Ever since Peter’s father died, he’s been different.” Peter’s father died 4 years earlier and Peter mentioned that he hadn’t really dealt with it.

The reason they mentioned they came to counseling now was because Peter had just moved back into their house after having left for 3 months. Peter moving out was devastating for Abby and she felt like she could never trust him again. This lack of trust manifested itself in her questioning Peter about many more things than she used to. “Where are you going?” “Why are you doing that?” “When will you be home?” And it was taking its toll on Peter. His feelings for Abby were waning.

GETTING STARTED
I realized early on that neither Abby nor Peter were willing to place themselves in each other’s shoes. This lack of empathy led them both to feel isolated and believe their partner couldn’t be trusted.

To help rebuild that trust, I needed to help Peter see that Abby wasn’t always as strong as her exterior presented. And if he moved closer to her perhaps with a hug during a fight, even though he felt like she preferred he run, it would help Abby trust that he had her best interest in mind. And I needed to help Abby see that Peter came back after three months because he wanted to make their relationship work.



A LIFE-CHANGING BREAKTHROUGH
The breakthrough came for this couple when Peter realized that his moving out triggered a sense of abandonment that Abby hadn’t felt since her father left her and her mother decades earlier. It was the unintended consequences of his actions that he had to take responsibility for and be there for Abby now to reassure her that he’d never do what her father did.

After hearing this and seeing Abby in sobbing tears, I encouraged Peter to sit next to Abby on the couch and if he felt led to give her a hug. This was a pivotal moment for this couple. They hadn’t connected on this level in years. Peter actually helped Abby. They were finally working as a team.

MOVING FORWARD
There was a lot of history and hurt to overcome, but I encouraged Abby and Peter to take the Love Language quiz online to help them determine what they could do to help their partners feel their love. Once they did, we created action assignments to have them increase their efforts to love their partner in a way they could receive. Over time this practice helped increase the trust that had been lost.